My Imaginary Reality

Letting Go

LET GO… THEY SAID LET GO. 

I THOUGHT OF YOU, OF WAYS ON HOW TO LET GO OF YOU. BUT I COULDN’T. HOW COULD YOU DROP SOMETHING THAT ALREADY FELL? 

HOW COULD YOU GRIP SOMETHING THAT’S NOT THERE? 

HOW COULD YOU LET GO OF SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LEFT? WHO ALREADY GAVE UP? RATHER, WHO ALREADY GAVE YOU UP?

SO I COULDN’T. I COULDN’T LET YOU GO. BECAUSE YOU’RE GONE… FAR GONE EVEN BEFORE THE END.

BUT WHAT I SHOULD LET GO, WHAT I SHOULD SET FREE… IS MYSELF.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS MY LOVE FOR YOU BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I AM STILL GRIPPING.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS THAT PART OF MY HEART THAT LOVES YOU, BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONE THAT’S STILL HOLDING ON.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS MYSELF, THE ONE WHO FELL FOR YOU.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS MY HOPE, THE ONE THAT SAYS YOU’LL COME BACK.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS FAITH, THE BELIEF THAT WE’D STILL BE TOGETHER.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO ARE THE MEMORIES, THE ONE THAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE INSIDE MY HEART.

WHAT I HAVE TO LET GO IS THE PAST, SO I CAN TRULY LIVE THE PRESENT AND HAPPILY WAIT FOR THE FUTURE.

AND I WISH I COULD JUST LET GO.

A Half-baked Yet Almost Toasted 2012

Half of 2012 has passed and rather than being the year of “the end”, it’s being a year of handful beginnings for me. Well, some beginnings have ended already. Not one word can describe the somersault of events in my life this first half of the year. Define unexpected, google unpredictable and imagine a 5-second pause. My mouth was agape with most of the turn outs, with some that has pushed me to some points, not limits, I never thought I’d go for. Now, looking back and writing this, six months seemed like a snap, like pages read quickly, skipping the unnecessary. But I’ve lived every single second of it and felt as if those months were forever. 

It was the start of this year when I received the first unexpected call. I was on the verge of peeling my self away from the field I work into- the media. I was confused and contemplating if I should give up in the media world but I was ready to hand my resignation in NBN as a Production Assistant. I grew bored from my job, less challenged and I felt like I wanted something new. Something that will fire up that drive inside of me. I wanted to quit, though I wasn’t sure if from the job or from the field completely. That’s when my phone rang. And guess what, it was a call from GMA 7.

I don’t know, but it was like an answer to a question I never asked God and myself. An answer, I admit, I halfheartedly took. Just like what I said, I wasn’t sure if I still want to stay in my current field. So I took the preliminary exams and attended interviews. The whole process was a blur to me. I didn’t take any pressure out of it, not because I’m confident I can get in, but because I decided to let life take me where it wants. Surprisingly, it took my feet in the 8th floor of GMA Network Center as a Program Researcher.

I was like, “ok…. I got in…?” I don’t know what I was feeling when my now executive producer asked me when can I start. I’ve sent my application to GMA many months ago that I already forgot I applied there, then out of the blue I was receiving a call from them and after exactly a week, I’m already in. Wow. And that happened when I was about to change courses. What’s even funny is that, the job I got into was the job I decided not to take from another TV station, after witnessing the world I’d be in when I had my 2-day training there. That time, I told myself I wouldn’t survive that chaotic and noisy world, where everyone are like predators, ready to eat the weaklings and the less dominant. And I was those two. So when I got accepted in GMA, I asked myself if I was really meant for that kind of life. It’s the second time it fell on my feet, so maybe I’ve got something to survive it.

My first three months was like being sucked in a whirlpool. I was lost at first, it seemed to me that whether I turn right or left, I’ll always get the wrong way. I found the job difficult yet challenging. I got to do things I never thought of doing and at some point, it pushed me to go out of my shell and test myself beyond what I thought was my limit. I got to do “spy-like” things like surveillance, raid and tracing people. That was the part that I enjoyed the most! It was like living one of my wildest dreams. Well, it’s not as action-packed as the movies and TV portray but, come on! How many people on Earth can have an opportunity to wear a wristwatch spy cam or get to tag along in a CIDG raid? It was really exciting. :)

Day by day, I learned each step and soon, I found my own way as a Researcher. I got to hunt my own stories, have them approved and aired and I gained contacts I know I can use in the future. This is of course with the help of the people around me. I learned from the way they work, I picked out the things I can and want, left out what I don’t and devised them with the ability I have. I took both the encouragement and criticism as a working plot. There were times, lots of it, when I rant, complain, give myself a deadline and thought of quitting. But there’s that tugging force inside me that glued my feet on this job and had me stayed for 6 months now.

I learned to treat the job as a small hole where I aim to squeeze myself in everyday. It was easier than thinking of it as a whirlpool, where you get in by being sucked by a force that’s not under your control. I’m still not in a complete sense that I will settle for this job, that this is what I really want. But it taught me that if the basis of your stay in a profession is just what you want or what you love, then prepare to resign everyday. You may have pictured yourself in the career you want, but believe me, once you get in, at some point you’ll picture yourself in another career and the process goes on. I learned that what should motivate you more than anything else is your goal. And if you don’t have one at the moment, make the first goal: love your job, not just the idea of it but the work itself. I’ve seen some people that are in love with idea of being in the media, they said they want it, but once they get to taste the dust, not the whole dirt yet, they back out. So be in the job with love and an open-heart for challenges and difficulties.

It was also another call that turned my life upside down. Again, I was on the tip of detaching myself from something. This time, it’s something I knew I would never have. It’s impossibility, from my perception, levels the impossibility of finding a needle in a haystack in just a matter of seconds. I was ready to move on and forget this. But then, he gave me a call.

A month before that, I met him again with some friends. As usual, his effect on me was unexplainable. My mind was ruffled, heartbeat’s rising, moths and butterflies are flying and kicking my stomach. I felt stupid for even thinking that he will like me. He’s a friend, a not so close one, but one that, some time in the past, I ran to and was ready to help me.

The meeting was followed by another, then another where it’s only the two of us. Remembering this, I still feel the awkwardness- that moment when I try to move myself as far as I can and lean on the other side while sitting with him in the cinema and suddenly some commercial about friendzoned love appeared in the big screen- God, awkward. The movie was my favorite book, but I can’t concentrate that much because I can fully feel his presence. Katniss was running away from the fire, but I was running towards it.

Fast forward: He called, sounding bothered and tormented. He started by saying that there’s a girl he’s been in love with. She’s a friend and he values their friendship and he’s asking if I think it’s OK if he tells the girl how he feels. He thinks their connection will end once he spilled out his true feelings. It was a bit painful hearing him talk about his feelings for another girl, but I was ready to be on a Dr. Love mode for this guy I love. So we talked and sorted out things, I was kind of irritated hearing him bothered about this girl so I just told him to let out his feelings so his torment can stop now. And he did. He told me it’s me- the girl he’s been in love with since college.

I think that time, I had the longest pause in a phone call. Not one of us spoke after the confession until it was too long to bear and he spoke first. I was shocked of course. But more than that, I was ecstatic. Happy. Too happy that I forgot there’s a tomorrow and thought only of the “now”. He reads my Facebook posts and thought I was in love with another guy, but I simply said no and it’s him I’m in love with. And for a long time too. I don’t know if he felt as shocked as I did when he confessed, but he said he never expected that I would return his feelings. He thought I’d reject him. Maybe that’s how good I am at hiding my emotions eh?

So to make things simple, yes, we got together. Fairytale? Happy ending? Well my friends told me it was like those Disney movies. Well yeah, except that this is reality. And in reality, he has a girlfriend. A girl that I know. A girl that he’s been with for a long time. I don’t want to go now on the details about their relationship, but they’re away from each other’s reach. Anyway, I threw my logic in the garbage and let my emotions decide and have its own way.

I have never imagined myself getting in a relationship where I’m not the only one. Worse, I am the other one. But what can I do? I really, stupidly love him. I was happy. It was like having my dream in a reality. The times we’ve been together are unforgettable. He was my first boyfriend. The first boy who said “I love you”, my first date, the first one who held my hand and hugged me and kissed me. But of course I’m not dumb. I know he still loves her. I often wonder if he talks to her when he’s not talking to me. And a part of me knows he is. But I was hoping he loves me more.

He asked me if I can wait until he fixes the mess he’s in. A month he said. What’s a month compared to two years of waiting for him? So of course I said yes. What I didn’t know was that, I was the mess.

The girl arrived and I knew, I just knew that everything is already falling apart. It only took him two weeks to fix the mess. Not a month. Only two agonizing weeks on my part. 

It started with a call and ended with a call. One night, in our two-month relationship, he called. His words were, “I think nakapagdecide na ko…” (I think I’m decided already…) I don’t need to ask what was his decision. It reverberated in my every being. With the way he acted since the day she arrived, I didn’t need to hear his answer, but I needed confirmation. And he did confirm it. He said “I’m staying with her…”

That’s when my whole world totally fell apart. My heart broke. It was a dust after that confirmation. He said soothing things, like I deserve the best, blah blah blah, but my heart only heard the most painful part. He doesn’t love me enough to choose me. And I know that even if he did choose me, it’ll be because I’m the one who’s here. The agony of waiting was over but the pain became more intense and almost tangible.

I was a zombie after that. I hadn’t slept for two days straight. I cried out of nowhere. There were moments when I just felt my tears welling up in my sockets and suddenly, they’re in my cheeks. I couldn’t eat and I was so numb to feel anything but pain.

It didn’t stop there. He did some insensitive things and he even un-friended me in Facebook. Hah! I was so angry that time. How dare him? I’m the one who’s supposed to do that?! To complete the situation, I blocked him. Though it may seem useless to him, since it looks like he doesn’t care anymore. But whatever. I needed to do something.

As the day goes by, I learn to bury the pain. I tried to be normal. I tried to smile, even it was so difficult. I called him things. I hated him, even though I don’t want to. I love him, but the pain he caused me was too much that I started to feel a turmoil inside my heart. Everyday it was a chaos of love, anger and sadness. I cried as hard as I can until there were no more. And soon the tears stopped. The hurt is still alive, very much alive, but I learned to push through it.

I’m better now. I haven’t moved on, but I’m starting to move forward. I’d be the greatest liar if I say I don’t love him anymore. Of course I still do. Hope is still rooting inside my heart but I stop it. I stop it before it leads to another misery.

And so to conclude the half of this year, I definitely learned a lot. It was more than experience. It was life itself. I was used to living in the world I created in my mind, but this year gave me what my mind and heart was missing. It was more painful and difficult than happy, but it was worth experiencing.

Life goes on… :)